Dreams do come true..NOT!!!

As I was saying I joined 2 PCOS groups and they have helped me a lot. I want to Thank Lauren and Amber for setting the groups up. I was just curious as to what else there is to do out there for PCOS. I was on Facebook and talking to friends, the PCOS group, I was also doing school work. I went to the ER and the DR that was there was so rude to me. I was hurting really bad on my left side it was really painful I was near tears. Went in there waited out in the lobby for 3 hours and my husband had to go up there to remind them. They took me back there and I was there for 30 mins before the DR to come in her attitude toward me was rude and so was the nurse. As they were doing tests on me the hurt me. It is too personal I am not going into it. The Dr said I had a kidney stone but she didn’t want to put and IV contrast and the radiation on me just for a kidney stone thought that was weird but didn’t say anything thought they were right. After all they were the Dr’s. I went home with the prescription for higher dosage of Motrin. Let me tell you to this day no kidney stone has come out of me. I was still sick and hurting went to my gyn dr. he looked at me and did test saying I had a female issue. He didn’t do any blood test or urine. Gave me some meds for it and asked me if I was ready to try again for a baby. I told him sure why not. He gave me a prescription for Clomid at 150mg for 5 days, I got back on metformin at 500mg 2x’s a day, Provera to take for 10days. Went and filled the medicines. Took the female meds started to feel better went about with my life. One day I started to get really sick couldn’t keep anything in me this was going on for about a week. I thought I was getting a bad virus. A friend of mine that is in one of the PCOS group that I am in asks me if I could be pregnant. I said no cause I haven’t took the meds yet and I haven’t had an AF in a long time. I took the test as a joke mainly because in my mind I believed I wasn’t pregnant. Boy let me tell you the test surprised me instead about 2 mins less than 3 I got a pregnant on the Clearblue. Let me tell you I was shock and surprise. I told my husband and everyone in the group. I was in total shock. I was scare to call the Dr. thinking he might say the test was wrong but I got out of that in 3 days I was thinking if I am really pregnant I want to give this baby fair shot. I called and made an appointment for a week later. Went in they did the urine and blood work confirmed I was pregnant. They took like almost 10 vials of blood and an aids test. They did an ultrasound and I seen something like a peanut I was in utter awed and amazed. The Dr set up an appointment for me to go to see another Dr that specialized in high risk pregnancy. Went a week later the Dr was so nice she did a ultrasound on me and some blood work on their end she said I was around 3.5 weeks pregnant. She wanted me to get an ultrasound every 2 weeks for the first month. Went home was happy as a lark. Was actually taking care of myself and eating right. Resting more and trying to not get stressful. I was still going to my other Dr too. 2 days before I had to go in for another ultrasound my world crumble down once again. I started to spot a little and I was like ok they said you can spot during the first trimester. Took some Tylenol and was in the bed all day. During the night I started to feel a little better so I got up and went into the living room and eat something and watch the TV. Tim was working but he call to make sure I was doing ok. We went to be after 2 hours of him coming home. Around 3 am I woke I had the worst feeling of I had to go to the bathroom and my stomach was hurting really bad. As I was getting up I felt something sticky on me and I looked down and there was a lot of blood on me and the bed. I screamed and Tim woken up and he saw all of the blood I started to get light headed and blood was still coming out. Apparently I passed out cause the next thing I remember I was in the hospital. Tim was next to me he was white and he looked so worry. The dr came in and said that I had lost the baby and I hemorrhage lightly from it so I lost some blood he gave me some medicine at the hospital and told me to stay at the hospital so in all I stayed there for 8 hours. The dr came in saying he talked to my ob. and they going to send the fetus off for an autopsy. They made an appointment for me to go to my dr on Monday for a checkup. When I lost the baby it was on Saturday. I went to the dr and he looked me over and did blood work he said everything look like it should be going. I was so devastated and depressed. I see the hurt in my husband eyes and it killed me because he was being so strong for me. It was like for a whole week I was a zombie I did everything but I wasn’t there. A week later went back to the Dr to see what happened to the baby. The dr told me that my body thought the baby was a foreign object. They said a big long word and I really can’t remember it now. They said if when I get pregnant again they will put me on meds. Since then I am on the mends a little. I will never forget about the baby inside of me because it was our baby and it will always be. I started to research PCOS. I even set a group on facebook for other women that have PCOS or infertility so we all could come together for support and help each other out trying to find a cure for PCOS even if we don’t find a cure at least we can find something that would help us deal with PCOS. I am so upset that the Dr’s really don’t care about PCOS. With us having PCOS we can have diabetes, heart dieses, even cancer and I think for all of these reason that PCOS should be acknowledge so god forbid nothing bad happens. I am trying to lose weight and boy is it hard. I am trying to watch what I eat. I got a treadmill so I can walk and I am doing a game on Wii call just dance so far I have lost 8 pounds if my weight scale is telling the truth.

Here is a link to my PCOS group on Facebook if there are any ladies going though Infertility or PCOS. We would love to have you. "The larger the group the larger the voice" This the group link :)

Stepping Up 4 PCOS

When one door closes another opens

I have left RB and went to live with some friends. While I was staying with my friends the police came and serve me with the divorce papers that RB gotten from online. This was in June 2009 and the court date was set to September 2009. I had to wait 3 months before we really actually parted ways. During the time we were together I would say the last 4 months I lost a lot of weight and so I continued with losing weight when I moved in with my friends. I was more active than ever was and I was reconnecting with my other friends that I haven't talked to in a long time due to my first marriage. I did try to go out and do the party theme but I was too shy and self-conscious to do it. I decided to stay at home and watch my friend’s kids while they went out. I did go out on 2 dates during this time. I did reconnect with my old boyfriend that I was stupid enough to break up with for RB. So much time has gone by for me and Brandon. He has been married to and he had kids and we just didn't have anything in common no more. After a couple of dates we decided this wasn't right but we decided to stay friends. Well that hasn't happened we only talk here and there but that is ok. I was working and trying to find my own place to live. My 2nd sister has mention that I can come back to NC. I love my family even though we are not close. I just don't see living there because I would feel like they are getting into my business and trying to take control even though I am an adult. So I kindly told her no and thank her for the offer. Well I meet this funny, sweet, cute guy on MySpace. I was writing to friends on there and I posted on there about my upcoming divorce and he IM me with the cutest joke ever and since then we been together. This how I meet my currant husband his name is Tim. We were friends to start with because I really didn't know if I wanted to get into a relationship right now. We bother where married before and we had a lot in common. Tim asked if I would like to come over to his house. He was having a cookout and his family was there so I thought that would be ok. I had a nice time but I kind of shy. I was thinking why this guy is so interested in me I am so out of his league. He was so sweet and nice to me I have never felt this way. I divorced RB a couple of months later by this time me and Tim started going together. We moved in together around November. I am glad we decided to move in together cause at this time Tim's mother passed away she has been sick for a long time. I am glad I got to know Tim's mom in the short time that I got. She was a sweet nice person. I was glad that I moved in with Tim at this time so I could be there for him during this sad time. We became closer each day. He has given me my self-esteem back. I know I have his support and love no matter how bad things gets. I did get pregnant during 2009 at the end and I lost it within a month time. I was so upset because I haven't gotten pregnant with RB only 1 time. I thought something was wrong with me. I was scared to tell Tim but when I did he was so happy. Sadly in December we lost the baby. We got married on April 23, 2010 at the courthouse with some friends and family. I loved it because I was so happy for the first time and I knew what real love was. We are just living our lives. We had a lot of excitement in 2010 like the roof falling onto our home in June thankfully no one was hurt it was raining and storming bad that day. My sweet husband though he was Hercules, he when to stand under the half fallen roof so I can get out. I had to have some type of exploratory surgery in July on my kidney/bladder because I was having issues. My 2nd sister and my great-niece that I haven't seen since she was 6 years old. They came over in July. It was supposed to be both of my sister's but my 1st sister had a family issue. They were supposed to stay over for the day/night so we can spend time together but unfortunately they only got to stay a couple of hours. I love my sister don't get me wrong but most of the time it felt like she was complaining about something I did or how I lived. Really she hasn't seen me in over 7 years and the only thing she can do is try to make me feel like a kid again. I wish we could actually have a good time together and spend more time together as 2 adults. I went to my Gyn/Ob Dr in August for a checkup and he brought it to my attention that I had PCOS. I was never told I had that and I really didn't know what it was and the Dr told me a little about it. He did blood work and gave me Provera that is supposed to help you to have your monthly. I have mine anywhere between 1 and 3 times a year. He also put me on Clomid to try to help me to ovulate so I can try to get pregnant. We were on Clomid for 3 months went up to 100mg, nothing happen I was so upset. Bless Tim's heart he stood by me through all of this and I know it had to hurt him to but he was being strong for me. I decided to go off of it. I was off of Clomid for a year. I was still on Metformin because my regular primary Dr said I was pre diabetes. I have been off and on Metformin for a year because I feel like when I am on it, it doesn’t really work for me. I am going to fast forward here a little because nothing really happened in the beginning of 2011. One of my friends told me about a support group on Facebook for women with pcos. I joined and everyone was talking about soy isoflavones and how it can help some women with pcos get pregnant. I decided what could it hurt so I decided to try it. Was on it for 3 months and I got really sick thought I was having issues with my kidneys again. Went to the Dr around May and the Dr told me I was pregnant. I was in a shock and surprise and so happy at the same time. I don't know if it was soy isoflavones that helped me to get pregnant or it could have been my time we will never know. I was schedule to go to the Dr for an ultrasound at the end of June to check on the progress of the baby's yes I said it I was pregnant with twins. I was having ultrasounds almost every 2 weeks because I was a high risk. When I went in there for the 2nd u/s they couldn't see the second sack where the 2nd baby was supposed to be. They were looking concern it was like someone went in there to erase this little jelly bean from our lives. I was still pregnant because the other baby was inside of me. The Dr told me it was a blighted pregnancy where the baby didn't grow like it should so my body decided to get rid of it I was so sad and so worry about the other baby I had in me still. Let me tell you every time I felt something wrong with my stomach I freaked out. Well my worst dream I could have ever imagined happened. I was cramping really bad in my stomach felt like someone was punching me continuously. Started to bleed a little. Went to the Dr said I am sorry but you’re in the middle of a miscarriage. He sent me home to wait it out saying there's nothing he can do I took a lot of Tylenol cause I was in pain. I was so depressed and I have never seen a man so shaken up like Tim was. I lost the baby on July 6.2011 and I was through with anything regarding a baby. I wanted to get my life in control again and try to get healthy. Every time I see a kid or a baby I would start to cry. I gotten to the point I didn't want to be around any kids at this time. We got through all of this by the grace of god and us having each other. I decided to go back to college. I still to this moment don't know what I want my degree to be in. I am getting an associate’s degree in business right now. My sister wants me to do something in computers but I am leaning more toward something in criminal justice. This really took my mind off the lost and helped me to refocus my mind on what is the most important thing which is my husband and my life. If it happens it will happen again. I got back on Facebook and was surfing through it and I found this wonderful support group for women with pcos. I joined this group and it has been a life savior. My next post will be: Dreams do come true..NOT!!!

A glance back..into my 20's...

I was supposed to go to Faulkner University, but I didn't get to go. I had the opportunity to go to Warm Springs, GA for 6 months before I go to college. In Warm Springs they had a rehilbilation place for people with all kind of disabilities. President Roosevelt used to live there because he thought the springs would help with his polio. Any ways one of the main rules for me to go there was that after 6 months I would have a place to go back to but with me being in the state's custody and I was at 18 years old the group home said they wouldn't be able to take me back in 6 months long enough for me to go to Faulkner University. I stayed there for 2 months I loved it. I made friends, I was more active then I have ever been. So I came back to the group home in august. They found a place for me to stay is was a place for foster/group home kids to fizz out. They would train the kids for a job or helped them get a job. I got a job at a vending food company. Made good friends there meet my first husband we are going to call him RB through mutual friends. We were friends for 6 months. We decided to make it official. He was so loving and attentive toward me at first. He acted like he was really concern for me and actually love me and liked me boy was I a fool. We got married a year later. Here is the mess up part during our relationship he was abusive and we were always arguing. I was going to leave him cause I seen my mom went through it with my dad and I wasn't about to go through it. Anyways I got really sick at this time I was living with a friend I was really sick almost fainted they rushed me to the hospital. There I found out I was pregnant I was in shock and disbelief. I told RB a couple of days later he seemed ok with it. I found out from his sister that he went to his parents crying and moaning about it. How it was my fault, I was trapping him. When I found out I confronted him and we got into an argument. He tried to deny it. It got so bad where I was sitting on the couch he kicked me with his boot. He left, I cried I was scared didn't know who to tell cause at this time I had no one all my friends where his. Well we got married in August 1998. I guess the wedding was ok my family came out. I was so shocked because I wasn't close to them. Everyone was awkward at the wedding. I was actually going to leave the church before marring him. I was going to tell my sister's but for some reason RB knew he came into the room where I was getting dress grabbed my arm and told me in not uncertain way was I going to leave him and take his"bastard" with me. I was so shaken up my sister's didn't even realize it or didn't care. My future sister-in-law knew and she was gloating and smiling to me in an evil way. His mother told me from the beginning that she didn't like me I was beneath her precious son. The only reason she is allowing this marriage is due to the baby. I was so rattled my uncle Ricky walked me down the line. Uncle Ricky is my mother's baby brother. I really didn't know him. As you get with my family for some ungodly reason we all were not close to each other. Unless it was only me that they didn't want to get close to. Anyways he knew something was up. He asked me what was wrong. I wanted to tell him so bad to see if he would help me. I didn't say anything. As we were walking down the aisle he told me if I didn’t want to marry RB he would take me from here I was so tempted but I declined. We got married and had a reception. We went to a nice hotel that was here in Valdosta for the weekend because we both had to work Monday. All of my family members got together and we went out to eat together as a family that hasn't happened in a very long time. My grandmother hugged me and told me that my mom would be proud of me in heaven. I was thinking if only grandmother knew. By the way she was my mother's mother. They left we went onto our hotel room we didn't do anything special. Went to work Monday. We lived in a trailer. Then we moved into a house within 2 months of getting married. It was hell there he was always yelling at me and hitting me. I was 3 months pregnant he was punching me so hard in my stomach I had to be rushed to the hospital. I lost the baby. Well never less to say it got bad. His sister and her family came to live with us I agree cause of the 2 kids I didn't want them to live god knows where. They made it so hard his sister and brother in law told RB lies about me and everything and he believed them and if he was upset with them he took it out on me. They left thank god after that they moved to Alabama. We were only married for 6 months at this time and it felt like we had been married forever. We were at this time living a separate life. We were still married living in same house. Well I got really sick and depressed couldn't work due to it had to quit my job. It was like living in hell. I am not going to get into all of this. His sister came back to live with us cause they were coming back from Alabama. I tried to commit suicide. Went to the hospital RB came into hospital room and informed me he wished I was dead and he left me there alone. They finally let me go home around 2 am. I was so scared because I thought he was going to have me committed.  I went home everyone was asleep. I went to the bedroom and went to sleep. When I woke up he was sitting in the chair and he just stared at me. He didn’t ask how I was or we didn’t talk about why I did it. He just told me that if I pulled another stunt like that he would personally make sure I die this time. Let me tell you after this I was in such a depression that no one got me out of. We moved to NC a couple of month later. RB called my sister and I don’t know what was said no one told me, if they did I don’t remember it. I really didn’t want to go because I wasn’t close to my family and I didn’t really know how they would act or what they would say. When we got there my 2^nd sister was nice. She and her husband helped us out in a big way and to this day I have never told her how much I appreciated it. My brother-in-law got RB a job with him. Well let’s just say this after a couple of month living in NC everything changed and it wasn’t for the good. RB had my family believed I treated him so bad. He made my family think that I made the choices even in reality it was all him. When my sister came over to visit I couldn’t open the door. He said he didn’t want to talk to a stuck up bitch. I tried to open the door one time and he practically pulled me back so hard that I thought she heard us. We went to church and that was the only time I could breathe. I know people are saying why didn’t you leave him? I even asked my mom on time why she didn’t leave dad and she said he had some type of hold on her and I didn’t really understand now I do. I got a blood clot in December 2001 at first I thought it was cause I pulled something in my leg after all it was my bad leg. Went to the DR on a Friday and she sent me to get an ultrasound on my leg. I went back to the DR and she said I had a full blown blood clot she set it up that a home nurse would come and teach me how to give myself shots. I was put on warfarin and shots. The nurse told us that if I started not to be able to breath go to the ER asap. Saturday night not even a day after I was diagnose with a blood clot I couldn’t breathe went and told RB and he said it was all in my head. Sunday he went to church I couldn’t breathe my lips and fingers where turning blue. My friend Melissa stayed with me while RB went to church. Nurse came over and I was rushed to the hospital. They said the blood clot broken up from my leg and went into both of my lungs. I was at the hospital in the ICU for about 2 weeks. The DR even came in and told me if the blood clots don’t dissolve they would have to send me to Baptist Hospital in Winston Salem. He said cause they are doing all they can do. Hopefully they can do more at Baptist. RB even told me he is praying every night that I would die. I was in and out. Thanks god it finally dissolved. I was moved to a regular room. I went home I think about a week or 2 later. They told me before I left that they found a tumor attached to my right ovary and fallopian tube. I went to see a specialist at Baptist and at that time in January it was the size of an orange. He said he was scared to due surgery on me to remove it until I had passed the 6 month mark since I had the blood clot and I was on warfarin. It could cause complications whereas to me bleeding out while they do surgery. We waited but we couldn’t wait that much longer with a month in half it went from size of orange to a baseball size. I had surgery in March 2002. I don’t know how long it took. I do remember the nurses said I was out for so long after the surgery I didn’t wake up and they were scared. Somehow I woke up. My family was there and so was RB. I was there for about 2 weeks. I went home with orders to rest and not to try to move so I wouldn’t rip the stitches out. I got home and I couldn’t rest. Well in May 2002 I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to death because the Dr's told me to not get pregnant wait for at least 6 months I told RB and he was happy. I thought it was for a good reason but he said now I would die and so would the unwanted baby. We came back to GA in 2003. It was hell let’s say that. RB and his family made my life a living in hell. The only ones that I loved in that family was his niece and nephews and to this day I still do. We are going to fast forward to 2009. This the year where RB terror over me had ended. In March 2009 we moved into a trailer right across from his mother I should have put my foot down but I didn’t and now I am glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t be where I am at now. We moved into the trailer I was working for a job where I could work from home at this time I had been at this job for 3 years and I loved it. We were always arguing and he was hurting. His mother was getting involved and it got worse because he was a momma boy. What put an end to it was. We were arguing and he actually had me on the ground trying to strangle me to death somehow I got up was running and he caught me and I went through the lass screen door he actually pushed/through me through a glass door. Thanks god I wasn’t hurt that much. I spring my ankle and had little cuts but other than that I was fine. I called my 2nd sister and practically begged her to help me. I didn’t tell her what was going on cause I didn’t know if she would believe me. She offer and I was supposed to call her back a couple of days later. I didn’t because RB was watching me. My friends came over on day and we were having a good time but they notice that I changed and they asked if I was ok. RB came in and he didn’t look happy to see them so he went over to his mom’s house. I made up an excuse for them to leave. We made plans for them to come back the next day. When RB came back home we had a fight and argue and I begged him to let me leave. I told him I didn’t love him anymore. Well he went to work my friends came over I was making plans with them to leave RB. Let me say he gave

me my wish I never seen him since then. MY 2^nd sister helped me with getting a U-Haul truck. I had to stay at the trailer for a week due to my job. RB and his step father made it a living hell for me so needless to say my friends helped me to move. I went to stay with them for a couple of months. Next Blog will be: When one door closes another opens. 

Rewind back....beginning to high school....

I was born in Thomasville, NC on October 14th, 1977. Everyone knew at that time I was special but they didn't know how special I would become. From what I remember everyone said they knew something was wrong with me. I assume when I was around 6 months the Dr's informed my parents that I had cerebral palsy. My parents didn't know how to deal with this cause out of all 6 kids god decided to make me special. My father wasn't a good father he did some stuff that was questionable. I am not here to discuss my father, I don't take ill about the dead. Now if he was alive then that would be a different story. My mother bless her heart she had the most beautiful soul, she was loving, and caring. She loved everyone well almost everyone. I have 2 older sister's and we are not that close mainly due to age differences but this not about them. I had 3 brother's but god decided that it was time for them to come home. I always knew I was different but I never fully got the concept as to how until I was around 7 years old. I would remember other kids would make fun of me and I would come home crying to my mother or grandmother and they would tell me that this is how kids are, they know no better but as I get older it would get better. They where right. Me and mom moved to Georgia when I was 8 years old. We came to Georgia cause we wanted a different scenery and also my 2nd oldest sister was living here and my brother was living here too. Boy, was I happy I loved my brother Roy so much. He was my protector. He always told me that I would be someone and I can do anything that I wanted to do. My 2nd sister also told me that. Roy would not let anyone say any bad things about me if someone hurt me he would defend me. I miss him so much to this day. I was 8 years old when we came to Georgia. For a whole year everything was great, I had a best friend that accepted me as I was her name was also Melissa we where called the m&m's..hehe. My brother got in a car accident a year later and died I was so upset. It seemed like after my brother died everything went south. I wasn't that happy no more. I got really depressed and at that time I didn't really know what was wrong with me all I knew was that I was sad and missed my brother. My mother meet a nice man and he was so nice to her and she was so happy. They stayed together for 5 years before they got married. I was spiraling down hill and I was confused about everything and resented everything and everyone. I hate to admit this but during my pre-tween years I tried to commit suicide twice. My sister would say I was trying to get attention and yes in some ways I was. One the other side I was so sad and miserable and I couldn't talk to no one I felt like no one would take me seriously. I could talk to mom but she was always working to give me a good life and I didn't want to burden her more then she was. I feel bad about what I am going to say next. Till this day it hurts me to the bone and soul. My mother gotten married on July 5th 2002 and a week later I was in a hospital cause I tried to commit suicide. This was my 2nd time and I was hurt,angry,confused had no one really to talk to. While I was in the hospital my mother got sick and she went to the DR regarding her gums. They said she had cancer in her gums and then next month they where going to remove the cancer and give her chemo and she will get better. She told all of us this 2 days before my birthday this is Oct and her surgery was for Nov. Well she never got to have her surgery she went in for a post opt and they said the cancer had moved to a lot of places and the only thing they can do is give her radiation and chemo to try to kill some of it so she can have a little longer with us. Well god decided he wanted her back home with him. We only had 4 months with her til she passed away. My 2nd sister took me and mother in. It was a blessing and I knew at my age it was a lot of work for her to take care of mom and me. She did it with out complaining. I got worst I was at that time self-harming my self and it helped I was in control. No one knew that I knew of. I also did some drugs with some so call friends I was 14 yrs old at the time. For crying out loud my mother just died and I felt more alone then I ever had. I felt resentments from my sister's. Our family was around mourning mom and saying there last good bye's. I felt like everyone was ignoring me. I am not going to discuss my mother's funeral. I still have issues as to how I was treated and what happen. I had the option to stay with my sister's. I decided on my 2nd sister cause my 1st sister already had kids,husband and a life in NC. I felt like I would be a bother. I lived with my 2nd sister and it was so rocky. I felt like she didn't understand me, wanted me, love me. We where always arguing. So I ran away. Went into the states custody within 6 month of mom passing away. Only stay with 1st older sister on Christmas. Stay with 2nd older sister when I had no where to go when the group home closed down once a month. I got a rude awaking I thought my 1st sister wanted me to stay with them during Christmas. I remember around the 2nd Christmas walking into her room to get something for her and I fount a letter from my caseworker saying something along the line here is some money to buy Melissa Christmas gifts. Here I thought she was going all out for me. And I was feeling bad cause of it. I guess I was wrong. Oh well. I stayed in this wonderful group home for 3 years and they helped me grow and come to terms on most stuff in my life. I went to church every wed and sun. I got baptized and made wonderful friends which I am still friends with till this day. I was still hurting but it lessen a little. I had a lot of friends in high school from the geeks to the populars. Everyone accepted my CP. I never accepted it. I almost let it defined me. I got over that a little. I graduated from high school my 2nd oldest sister and her husband came down. Next Blog will be: A glance back..into my 20's. So stay tune :). I know this going to upset some people but it is my right to say/do what I want. I have a voice. :) TTYL